....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
