I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Randomize
