saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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