the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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