i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
