went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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