So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
