I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
