I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
