im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
