Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
