So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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