She is in my trunk
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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