You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
