my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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