she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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