Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize