The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Who died my cat blue again?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
