My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
