Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
