So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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