the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
