I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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