Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Randomize
