Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
