Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
