You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
