i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Welp...herpes.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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