She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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