now i know why i became what i already was.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
