Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
