To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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