Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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