I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
