Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
We need to get me chipped asap
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