I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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