I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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