3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
