Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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