If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
