i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
