why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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