I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
