If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
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