Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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