I think I won the penis lottery.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
