do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
