Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize