I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
