just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
