The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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