Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
