my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I'm just crazy horny about you
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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