I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Acid is not a monday night drug
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
