On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
