A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
