last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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