I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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