She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
