There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize