remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
